If you can’t say the words ‘I am sorry’, you don’t deserve to be forgiven. I always enjoy when religious fanatics talk about how important it is to forgive and forget to be able to move on in your life. They also seem to emphasize that forgiving and forgetting is important, because if you don’t forgive and forget, you become just like the person that did you wrong.
It’s just fun to watch when people are completely full of shit…
Keep in mind that forgiving and forgetting are things that are beneficial to the abuser, but never the victim.
(I only say it this way because I’m speaking in the victim tribal consciousness mentality language that you are very likely used to hearing. However, the deeper you dive into the issue, the more you realize that victims don’t really exist. But that’s another conversation.)
This is more of a conversation about boundaries. To this very day, I deal with people who make pathetic efforts to cross and push my limits in a way that I do not condone. However, I know my value, and I stand my ground. It is of the utmost importance that you take time to understand what you value the most on a personal level. Otherwise, forgiving and forgetting is impossible. Most of us know the people we love, and the material things that we value, or the types of environments that we enjoy being in such as a cute coffee shop or a local park. That’s not what I’m talking about.
When I talk about value, I mean…at your core…what is it that you stand for, what do you believe in, and what is it that you just do not tolerate no matter who is crossing the line?
The absolute core of what I teach is about value, values, and ultimately your ‘why’. Everybody knows their why. Most people ignore it.
I probably don’t have to tell you what it feels like…
The feeling that you get when you know exactly what you want, but you constantly ignore it and neglect it because you feel like your desires are irresponsoble. You wonder what other people would think if you did or said exactly what you wanted.
You don’t wonder…You fear.
You fear not being accepted, or you fear rejection…two sides of the same coin. Just the thought of somebody looking down at you with disapproval turns you inside out. People can smell this. When you are a people pleaser, you only attract people who want to be pleased and don’t give a shit about your happiness. When you are surrounded by people that don’t give a shit about your happiness, you very often get disappointed or abused.
This then sends you into a spiral of wondering why people don’t care about you when you put so much energy into caring about other people. But, at this point the thought of figuring out why other people won’t make you a priority doesn’t even matter. The fact is, you need to make yourself a priority in your life. You do this by always standing up for what you value, saying what is truly on your mind, taking action based on things that you desire or need….and in the case of the ‘forgiving and forgetting’…defining clearly and maintaining barriers against other people who do not value your existence.
“To learn to die is to be liberated from it.” – Bruce Lee
So when it comes to the forgive and forget mentality, it would only be worth it for you to forgive people who understand what you value, and understand that they have crossed the line with you, and show that they care that they crossed the line with you, and are willing to be humble enough to apologize and to make things right.
Because only the strongest people take full responsibility for their mistakes. Only the smartest people understand that taking responsibility for your mistakes helps you grow and it helps create better relationships. Only the most aware people will understand that it is nearly impossible for you to forget what they did to you.
To some people it might come off as insensitive to not forgive and forget. Also, to never forgive anybody would be to take it to the extreme. It’s good to be able to forgive, and to let things go, and to move on with your life. This is not some sort of weird fucking call to arms where you have to hold a grudge against everybody in the world. But, it is to your advantage to maintain boundaries that you know will be crossed by people who do not respect you.
Tips on forgiving:
Simply be open to the idea that some people will want to make things right.
We all definitely make mistakes. We get carried away by bad information or by emotions. We all grow through making mistakes and learning from those mistakes and, hopefully, having people around us to teach us how to be better.
Educate people.
People are not mind readers. For you to expect people to think what you think, and to know what you know, is just plain fucking stupid. Many relationships burn to the ground because one person in the relationship sets unrealistic expectations. They have the mentality that the world that exists in their mind…exists in everybody else’s mind. So if there is a problem, or a boundary, it must be communicated.
Tips on forgetting:
Not every relationship is going to work out, and it is not your job to force it to happen.
If you have boundaries that’s someone else is going to cross no matter what, you have to be willing to let that relationship dissolve. Also, if someone else has boundaries that you think are unjust or you simply do not agree with, then the same outcome is the best for both of you.
If you are smart enough to communicate your boundaries, and the other party has the maturity to respect those boundaries, you must have the maturity to understand that you are speaking to a responsible and caring person.
You can move on, and they can too. (There are some people who use apologies as a quick fix. These people really have no intention of improving the relationship and will continue to cross your boundaries. You have to be smart enough to know when you’re dealing with somebody like this and break the relationship on your own. Use your head.)
Of course, it’s impossible to forget trauma and disrespect. However, too many people make the mistake of reliving the trauma over and over without taking time to create new and better experiences that allow them to walk away from the trauma and learn from it. We seem to have a new culture of validating someone’s thoughts and feelings automatically. I like the idea. I also understand it is important to be empathetic, and listen.
But I have run into way too many fucking people who want you to be empathetic, want you to validate their feelings, want you to hear their sob story, but have no real intention of changing anything. They have no real intention of growing, and learning, and moving on. They simply want to live in a negative feedback loop. This does not serve them, and if you ask me, it can turn into a complete nightmare.
You can be the nicest guy to exist, but you’ll garner zero power and respect this way.
As usual, my interest is in teaching good people to grow in power.
So, if you really want to be able to let go, or to move on…learn about your own personal values and philosophies…and protect them so that you can operate in a calm and positive mentality.
Life is a challenge all by itself, it’s insane to invite more chaos into it.