I was sexually and physically abused as a child.
My mother, who’s only north star as a young woman was to survive and fight, and who’s core competency was to be wild and free…didn’t exactly have the best choice in men.
She was also alive in a time where people were JUST LESS CIVILIZED…(a.k.a. ‘That’s just how it was back then.’)
One of the men she dated would become the father of one of her children (my half-broski by blood)…
This man was also my core physical and sexual abuser.
(So if I ever seem like I don’t fucking like the guy…you’d be right. I don’t. He abused me along with a number of other children and roams freely, with no hint of ever trying to recfity his evil fucking habit. Not even a single fucking apology. Fuck him.)
Barring the sexual abuse, he’d given me stitches as a child from physical abuse…I can also remember him goading me on as a kid to drink from a Tobasco sauce bottle just to have a laugh with his friends as I chocked on that shit.
He held my mother at gun point and hired a few female connections to beat my mom because she wouldn’t kiss his ass.
My mom beat both of their asses with a frying pan.
Then she caught him at gun point…he cried…he cried like a bitch…like an empty shell of an emotionally reactive man with no real purpose or future.
The stories of abuse would later come to light and even the local news outlets expressed interest in the court case.
He came from a ton of animalistic gang activity and unfortunately this would soon get passed onto my brother as he’s been in and out of jail for various reasons stemming from the influence of his father and uncle…who were involved in gangs, drugs, and even shootouts against the police.
My brother learned at a young age that somehow gangs were the ‘only family’ available to him…even though he had a home and a simple life to come to…something my mother had been working toward for years…the influence of gangs were enough to send him on a fucked up life path.
My youngest brother, from another father, would be abandoned except for the moments his dad wanted to come around to get laid and steal thousands of dollars from my mom’s accounts while she slept.
He was born autistic and my mom had to go through a TON of shit just to get him acclimated to day to day life and get him to a point where he could function…after which she became addicted to pharmeceutical meds and HE would end up taking care of her before even reaching the age of 18.
I, at the time, was on a bullshit self-help journey while having battles with my parents about trying to get better, who would then just use their income as a trump card to hold over my head.
It took me years to realize my father…who did a lot for me to keep me alive…but is a fucking piece of shit asshole and he can go fuck himself for all I care…
HE WOULD NEVER CARRY A SENSE OF PRIDE FOR ME AND CONSISTENTLY TREATED ME LIKE I WAS BROKEN AND NEEDED TO BE FIXED OR DISCIPLINED.
He would always find a way to judge me and push me down.
Even now, if he were to say he was proud, I know it would be contrived and meaningless.
He’s a loser.
I suppose in order to call someone something, there has to be some definition behind it.
My definitions of LOSER:
1) Someone who does not lean into collaboration…but only operates on competition. Someone who ALWAYS has to prove themselves and play a dominant or ‘alpha’ role…even when there is nothing to dominate. Their self esteem and self image is low…and instead of doing the work to become better…they shove other people down.
2) Someone who is a manipulator. They don’t want to ‘look bad’ or ‘look stupid’ so they intentionally lie to make themselves look good to be able to get what they want. They may also create a social dynamic where someone else looks bad so they can get out of trouble. They may also lie/gaslight a person to create confusion and avoid taking responsibility for any mistakes.
You see…there are poor people who are losers…there are rich people who are losers…there are janitors who are losers and there are corporate CEOs who are losers.
With that out of the way…
Sadly…I was a wreck as well…a lot of my self-help journey stemmed from a lack of mental and emotional stability that never came from my parents OR the generations before.
So I learned a lot about picking up women and social psychology…I learned a little about business/trusts but I always leaned towards the parts that were about feeling good rather than building value…I worked jobs that were social by nature (sales, bartending, serving, DJing)…
I surrounded myself with people more successful than me as they say to do in all the fucking self-help books in the world.
It didn’t matter.
I never really knew/learned anything about how to create/manage money and resources.
So, for decades, much like my parents before me, I was spinning my wheels.
Massive amounts of activity that felt like progress, only to end up where I started.
No matter what book I found…or what system I bought into…or what friend I made…or what drug I took…or what meditation session I got into…or what spiritual journey I embarked on…
YEARS GO BY….
…AND I’M BACK TO THE SAME MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Don’t get me wrong.
I did a lot of cool shit and I manged not to be the absolute prick that my parents were to me…that in and of itself should warrant a Nobel Peace Prize.
But I was not satisfied…AM NOT SATISFIED…until I see ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF WHO I CAN AND DESIRE TO BE.
Hence…this post.
ALCHEMY ALWAYS begins from the inside out…I’ve been seeking…seeking advanced mentorship…seeking the next level.
But there’s no one who really is capable of showing it to me.
The truth is that LOOKING for that help in the first place was a mistake.
I AM ALONE IN THIS.
Back to the dark, I go.
By the way…this is not a sad cry for help…if you offer it to me, I’ll tell you to fuck off…I know you’re just going to make it worse with your lack of experience and flimsy opinions.
At some point, as a human, you’ve learned most of all you need to know and all that’s left is to cut off anything that is not helpful and quadruple down on everything that is effective.
If it doesn’t make you more healthy…more rich…more connected and present…get that shit the fuck out of here.
You can always be open to new things…being stubborn is not a requirement…
Having strong standards and practices IS.
So, as a bad-ass mother fucking coach…I’m TELLING YOU.
I’ve been through a pile of dog shit and STILL FOUND MY POWER.
My only regret is that I didn’t TRUST MYSELF MORE and just ended up wasting years of my life on coping mechanisms, ineffective life and money strategies, and shit relationships.
Do yourself a favor and make a decision RIGHT NOW to lean into ONLY THE THINGS THAT MATTER TO YOU AS A COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT MAN OR WOMAN.
For most people…that’s getting to peak health…financial stability…and healthy/rewarding relationships.
Anything else is dog shit.
If your life feels like a fucking mess or an impossible task, sign up for KNIGHT SHIFT.